#23

It's just gone midnight and it's Bank Holiday Monday here in the UK, which means for some of the lucky ones we have a long weekend. Today i got up at around 10am, switched on the computer at around 10:30am and started looking at porn at around 10:45am carried on until around 2pm, had a bite to eat, a little nap, spent some time at my brothers house and had Sunday dinner, came back at around 9pm, switched on the computer at around 10:30pm and started again, then i just realised what the time was, 11:50pm.

I can't quite place the reason, why's and wherefore's that my brain just gave in. The way i felt at the end of January when i discovered that i wasn't alone and i was going to make a concerted effort to quit this addiction has just gone. Even now i'm typing this out of necessity rather than to expunge any guilt. Y'know what the worst thing was? This morning i was trawling through a porn forum and discovered that some British B, no C-rated actress had done some softcore porn shoots in her youth and subsequently one of these shoots had been banned because she lied about her age when the shots where taken. Well fuck me that was enough, i can't explain it but my brain just had this need to see these photographs, a real need, the heart rate starting pumping, getting the sweats, Christ, it was like a rush. I Googled her name, her pseudonyms, no luck, there were a couple of leads i followed and finally found some site that had her featured and well the image links were broken and i gave up, sat back and thought about what i'd been searching for. I shut down the PC and walked away.

Teen porn has been one of my major problems with the internet for me for eons, borderline stuff (just to clear that up age wise i mean mid/late-teen stuff) has given me a real buzz, and that's just sad. I'm 31 this year for fucks sake. Life is passing me by and i don't care. The porn obsession goes very deep, to the point that i don't think blogging about it is going to make a difference, i may need proper counselling alongside sharing this with no one in particular. I don't know why i have this apathy to life, i just do 9-5 Monday to Friday with no discernable social life to speak of except the odd movie with a mate every couple of weeks.

I know deep down only i can change that, i can't hang around just waiting for things to happen i have to make them happen. But i'm scared, plain and simple, of what? I don't know, change? It's like i'm scared of living real life, and that if i stay in this little cocoon i'll be ok. Real life can stay on the outside, i'll just crack on living in a little fantasy world. I'm really self conscious, even the running has stopped, the nights have become lighter and i don't like running in the daytime, it's a real lack of self confidence. I've gym equipment upstairs that i use as a clothes rack. What if i meet someone and she is perfect for me, how do i go about telling her about my porn addiction, the things i've seen and that i'm not proud of, how would i convince her that it was like another version of me that only comes out when i sit down at a computer by myself?

I need sleep.