#30

I feel strange. It was only a short term romance but it's been a real wrench to the soul. The reality of going back to a humdrum average work-is-all-i-have sort of life is tough. I didn't realise how dependent i'd become in such a short period of time. I find myself rushing around at work and realise i have nothing to rush for now. I think of little topics of conversation we could share and find that i have no one to share them with. Had an odd dream last night that i googled her name and it came up with wordofmouth.com and then her name and then it stated that she was single. Bizarre. The real kicker is that i'm back to square one, i'd thought i'd pulled myself out of the mire and everything was looking positive. I mean the odd time or two i had little pangs of reality, little lapses where i realised this could all go tits up at any moment, but i brushed them aside. I dunno anymore. I feel like i'm staring at an abyss. Shit start to 2010 and to the decade. Dumped. She says she wants to stay as friends and this is something i've really struggled with in the past. I don't handle rejection very well and i can't handle seeing them again, anything could set me off, a look, a whiff of her perfume and it would all come rushing back. I cried on Sunday, fucking cried, she really touched me deep and it hurts.