#14 - 35 days

I've been mentally writing this post for a week now. Sadly my brain doesn't keep these draft copies, so this is going to sound like a mish mash of what was floating around in there.

I'm not gonna start this by saying i'm porn free, one thing i realised a couple of days after i started this it was never going to be possible, cold turkey isn't a good thing i don't think. It may work for some people, other people need a gradual reduction. I need a gradual reduction. What has changed though is this, i haven't visited my usual HC porn sites in those 35 days, i can say that hand on heart. Along with that i can also say that i haven't downloaded any porn in these 35 days, and believe me that is a real difference. This doesn't mean that i haven't seen any HC porn, i still visit one site which is has a mixture of HC porn and humour there. But honestly I can say hand on heart that i haven't viewed any galleries (listen to me i sound like a politician) but he has a collection called random shite which i just can't resist as it throws up some of the most random pictures you can find on the ol' t'internet. Maybe in the long term i'll stop visiting, maybe mentally it's part of a routine i need to break but anyway. I also still visit a couple of blogs/sites that offer 50's / 60's & 1970's glamour, and these are not the seedy type of glamour shoots, its mainly Playboy sets and alike and again i don't get off to these i just do like looking at beautiful/stunning women, I also find that at the moment i can't resist the site of nudity of actresses from mainstream cinema and TV so i have to admit to downloading some of those clips. But, the most important thing is that the first couple of steps of getting over porn ie: stopping the visits to those HC sites and stopping myself downloading porn have begun in earnest and i don't intend to break this whatsoever.

What the past 35 odd days has forced me to do is re-visit my imagination and get me into the routine of using it more often. I've also started to appreciate women more, it's hard to explain but i can look at a woman and appreciate the effort that went into the way she looks, she no longer has to be naked for me to think 'bloomin' ' eck she's nice'. I suppose what i can compare it to, this sounds ridiculous i know, is that now i can look at women in a soft core sort of way and not hard core.

The biggest bonus i've found is that i feel happier in myself. Before when i downloaded and used porn i felt sleazy and angry with myself. I found myself needing harder and harder stuff to get me off, i think Porn Forgetten nailed it on the head 'searching for the perfect porn'. Looking for the harder stuff led me into alleyways of porn that i regret as i've seen things that i can't forget. But mentally it formed a barrier and this was important as it proved i had a conscience and that i knew where that borderline was, some things i've seen upset me and and it saddened me it really did. Frankly i've seen the seedy underbelly of the internet and i never want to go back there again. It was like staring at a car wreck and i knew i had to change.

I remember one particular movie i downloaded that really affected me was one of those 'celebrity' sex tapes, Jaimee Foxworth she was called (ex sitcom star) and i think she had been forced to go into mainstream porn because of various debts if i remember rightly. The image that stuck with me was at the end of the film (i think it was her first one) with the cum shot, she was looking at the camera... and you if you looked in her eyes... it was a really depressing image, i swear her eyes just expressed pure sadness. Along with the HC movies i found that teenage stuff was also a big problem for me, i mean borderline 18 year old stuff (JB is probably a good acronym). I don't know where this fetish(?) originated from in my mind but it started around 7 years ago, all i know is that when i thought about it i got a rush, i got a rush from looking at it and i got a rush from watching it. Sadly i found sites that fed the urge, and i just had to check them out daily. I'm shaking as i type this now because i've never admitted it, but like Porn Forgotten said if you can't admit it on an anonymous blog then where can you? The thing was that once i stepped outside the realm of the internet and into the real world it stopped (albeit i had this millstone of guilt/sleaze/anger around my neck of what i'd watched). But put me back in front of the screen and give me lots of time on my hands and i was away for a good few hours. By the time i happened to stumble across Porn Forgotten's blog i was at a low ebb i was angry and helpless as it just felt i couldn't get a grip on the problem and in a vicious circle. I can honestly say that that blog has shined a torch towards the exit from this, and i hope, from porn for good.

The most important thing is that i'm regaining my focus and perspective on my life. Now i find myself spending less time on here, and filling my time. I now focus on music sites and blogs and things that had me interested before online porn became an obsession. I've started running again (thanks to you The Quitter my legs are aching and i'm knackered hehe) and trying to keep a positive frame of mind. Now like i said at the start i'm not free of porn, i still use the backed up things on disc, but now i find myself between using my mind and when i'm tired i rely on the discs.

I just want to round this off say thanks to the support from other bloggers, i'm not a religious person but i appreciate the good will and positive comments coming from you.

I'm far from finished.